I always get a little post-introspective when a relationship I had faith in fly’s off to never-never to be land. I suppose it’s sort of like watching game tape at the end of a football game, I always hope for a better performance the next go round. This relationship is no different than any of the others. But it does naturally make me think of choices. Life choices, relationship choices, career choices, the whole gamut and I always fall back to “nothing happens until YOU decide.” I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but like most human beings, my heart was locked closed and I chose to listen to my brain instead. We can’t help be that way, it’s trained into you from childhood and it’s that little niggling voice who tells us not to speak the truth of how we feel because what we are thinking/feeling/saying/becoming is stupid/rude/scandalous/sinful/depressing/ridiculous/unoriginal or any other sundry of words. All the infinite variations on this theme convey just one message: Silence your heart or you will be rejected. Rejection hurts our little social hearts so much that just the threat of it convinces most of us to cooperate with our enemies. This disassociation within was a two-step process: First we went mute, learning never to speak our deepest truths. Next, not long after followed deafness, refusing to hear our own souls. Door slammed, bolt locked.
We don’t have to choose to live this way, all we have to do is decide not to. Take a moment and just be still, listen to your body, write a detailed list of everything you are feeling, and trust me some of the thoughts may be shocking, but it’s okay, just because you have an impulse to stab someone with a spork, it doesn’t mean you have to act on it (unless your me and they are chewing with their mouths open, of course). But just by allowing your heart to speak your truth and listening to it, you are affirming your own worth. When you acknowledge your forbidden feelings calmly, you’ll find that you actually have more control over your actions than you thought. It’s when feelings are repressed that they burst out in dangerous, unhealthy ways. The best part? When you are actively listening, and when the desire to act comes directly from your heart deciding to act on it you will feel a strong sensation. You’ll feel an extraordinary clarity, the sense that something inside you has clicked into place. Of course, your niggling little inner voice might not agree. You may be flooded with reminders that your heart’s instructions are stupid or boring or rude. But don’t listen. Run, try, experience, live. Be Free.
The take from? Definitely today, this one’s been a little Word and Peace. (after all, I “are” a writer). When you don’t know what to do, my best advice is to do nothing until clarity comes. Be quiet and still, being able to hear your own voice and not the voices of the world will increase your clarity. Once you decide what you want, make a commitment to that decision. Share where you want to go with those closest to you, so they can offer support as you uplift your life. Put aside the “what is expected of you” and chart your life journey in a means as unique and authentic as you. Live a life full of hope and breathtaking exhilaration be brave enough to travel paths you never thought you could but have always wanted to. This is the way we were meant to exist. If you stop to listen, you’ll realize that your heart has been telling you so all along. One of my favorite quotes is from one of Goethe’s couplets: “Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.” Now how’s that for a little high gravity introspection?
Hairs: Vanity Hair, Fantastic Girl **2013 Hair Fair*
Necklace: Kunglers Extra, Velox **L’Accessoire’s**
Gown: Chain and Lace, Chemise